Unpop Culture: Meet Bloodloss, the Band that Terrorised a Nation

Forming in 1981, Bloodloss squirted a placenta of notorious afterbirth that led to the banning of their wild live shows in venues across Sydney. Read the sensational headlines here.

Sydney, 1985: The headline reads: Oh! St-st-studio!

Outside a prominent recording studio, five dissidents flee a raging inferno, the outcome of an ashtray prank gone awry. A shifty producer—Mr. Tony Cohen, and members of avant-hell supergroup, Bloodloss—Ms. Sharron Weatherill, Mr. Renestair EJ, Mr. Jim Selene and Mr. Martin Bland—are witnessed escaping the converted warehouse with a view to never cross paths with the studio manager again. This incident follows four years of carnage, a cherry atop the band’s menacing reputation.

Sydney, 1983: Bloodloss Bleeds Out

Altering their personae to Zulu Rattle and recruiting a Mr. Stu Spasm into the fold, Bloodloss cloak beneath the zealous eyes of banishment, and continue to eke out an antisocial existence. Predictably, by the end of the year, the quintet are kaputnik.

Sydney, 1984: It’s Life Jim, But Not As We Know It

In the evacuation aftermath, Mr. Bland and Mr. Spasm form a sinister operation with a Mr. Tex Perkins (Beasts of Bourbon/Thug), christening themselves Salamander Jim. The remaining gang members prove elusive.

Sydney, 1985: What’s Troubling?

More insurgents flock to the inner-city suburbs—the feedtime clan, an ugly conglomerate called King Snake Roost, and the aptly named Thug, totalling but a small percentage of this infantile movement devastating our peace-loving communities. Participating in the invasion, a revamped Bloodloss, allegedly witnessed hiding out in the London apartment of a Mr. Kim Salmon.

Adelaide, 1985: Amalgamation 2.0 Brings Fear And Loathing

Under the radar, Ms. Weatherill and Mr. EJ flee Sydney, taking up residence in Adelaide’s inner-sanctum. The deadly duo merge with a Mr. Chris Wiley from the terrifying Fear and Loathing mafia, a Mr. Charlie Tolnay from the aforementioned King Snake Roost conglomerate, and one Andrew Stosch from terrorist cell The Twenty Second Sect. Returning to the fold, Mr. Bland joins Mr. Stosch as the gangs’ second drumming hard man. Adelaide, Bloodloss 2.0 is upon us.

Adelaide, 1988: Bloodloss Goes Legit

Notorious noise gangsters Bloodloss have floated their company on the music exchange, releasing a debut full-length long-player entitled Human Skin Suit. In search of the distributor responsible, police have alluded to maintaining a close watch on one suspect, a slimy organisation operating under the banner Greasy Pop Records. Anonymous sources have revealed that stocks are limited to five-hundred.

According to Blabbermouth magazine, “Human Skin Suit is layered with a thumping, primal undercurrent, including a straight-up-your-arse hollow tube of avant-noise.” Another source has identified the clatter by its unique blend of interloping percussion, molested horns, Beefheartian strings, and leader Ms. Weatherall’s manic, desperate, continual screeching. Scientists believe if one were to melt a copy of a Mr. Miles Davis’ Bitches Brew over the flaming corpse of one Mr. Don Van Vliet, the uncomfortable aural experience will most likely be replicated.

Adelaide 1989: Bloodloss Conglomerate In Disarray

The vacuum of domestic bliss has sucked Ms. Sharon Weatherill from the clutches of evil to the sanctity of cleanliness. Shady members of the Bloodloss gang are said to be agog at the matriarch’s sudden departure, calling for an immediate reshuffle of the apparently legitimate organisation. In a sensational coup, Mr. Martin Bland has taken the reins, ordering convention be returned to the flailing posse. As a result, just one skin-pummelling hard man remains, leaving the Bloodloss backbone weakened. Sole percussionist Andrew Stosch is heard to say, “I don’t need no schmo sidekick. I got this, Adelaide, I got this.” Mr. Bland is yet to comment on his lackey’s insubordination.

Sydney 1990: Bloodloss Live To Sell The Truth

Legitimate or not, there’s something to be said for Bloodloss’ improvisational approach to profiteering from the music exchange. Anonymous sources reveal that the increasingly prominent organisation has released yet another thirty minutes of mayhem unto the city, terrifying devout Christians. Unleashed by kingpin Mr. Bruce Griffiths of Aberrant Records fame, The Truth is Marching In compilation—clearly a cynical attempt at market fixing—features deflated stocks dating back as far as 1983. Stripped to abrasiveness, the cacophony pays homage to allies and fellow gangsters King Snake Roost. One victim of the onslaught is heard to say, “This monstrosity is akin to spilling acetone on your genitals.”

Seattle, 1991: Bloodloss is Everything Wrong With the World (Emergency Broadcast)

“We interrupt this program with an emergency announcement. Goat lubricator Mr. Stu Spasm has been seen rescuing under siege Bloodloss leader Martin Bland and henchman Renestair EJ, shepherding the underworld figures to the offshore haven of Seattle, Washington. Joining a Mr. Guy Maddison, the fugitive trio are said to be in the process of unleashing a ‘swarm of acid-punk heathens unto the planet’, a project codenamed Psychedelicatessen. In local news, a skeletal Bloodloss 2.0 is under house arrest tonight, having been forced into hiatus from the daring overthrow. More news after L.A. Law.”

Seattle, 1992: Who Says Love Is Bland?

A romantic threesome is blossoming in America’s Pacific North West as escaped fugitives Martin Bland and Renestair EJ are seen making goo-goo eyes at the Emerald City. Coerced into the threesome by international tycoon Mr. Mark Arm—alias, Mark the Arm, Arm’s-Length Fuzz, and Nuclear Mark Arms—the two are said to be in fine spirits, even taking the time to lend a hand to Bloodloss peer organisation, Monkeywrench. The result of this inter-Pacific union has left tax payers reeling, pondering the question, how were these two parasites allowed into the country to begin with? Disturbingly, the amalgamation allows the Bloodloss legacy to continue on an international scale.

Seattle, 1994: In-A-Gadda-Da-Oh-No!

“Read all about it! Bloodloss reform! I repeat...Bloodloss reform!”

Fugitives Martin Bland and Renestair EJ have taunted law enforcement by floating yet another Bloodloss enterprise on the music exchange. Joined by Mark the Arm, Guy ’The Nurse’ Maddison, and old compadre Andrew ’The Shock’ Stosch, the underworld dream team has reportedly released the plagiaristic In-A-Gadda-Da-Change under the noses of baffled police. Reliable sources believe troublemakers Sympathy For The Record Industry are responsible for the flagrant snub.

Fishwife magazine has stated, “This is an entirely different approach for the conglomerate—polished, melodic, a tad conventional.” With a cynic of 4/4 backbone, In-A-Gadda-Da-Change grunts egregiously at a panicked society, displaying Mark the Arm’s grubby fingerprints for all to see. Underworld figures proclaim this as Bloodloss’ finest hour. As for the rest of us, we latch our doors and pray.

Seattle, 1996: Desolation Blow: Bloodloss Close to Capture

Amid the ruins of a desolate Seattle music exchange, the notorious Bloodloss clan have floated yet another option. Mark the Arm, Renestair ‘Eeejay’ EJ, Martin ‘The Flavour Slayer’ Bland, Guy ‘The Nurse’ Maddison, and Andrew ‘The Shock’ Stosch, have stunned aural economists by releasing an LP entitled Live My Way. Utilising an outdated formula of loud/quiet/loud, this maniacal clique have once again defied logic in the face of success. Says one analyst, “How these rat bastards keep profiting from the music exchange while claiming to be legitimate I’ll never know. They operate at odds with market trend and continue to succeed. Something very fishy is going on here.”

Seattle, 2011: They’re Somewhat Back: Bloodloss Sort of on the Loose

Fresh from their release from the Honeymud Correctional Facility, Mark the Arm and Guy ‘The Nurse’ Maddison have reformed the notorious Bloodloss corporation. The infamous duo wasted no time in inviting Renestair ‘Eeejay’ EJ, Martin ‘The Flavour Slayer’ Bland, and Andrew ‘The Shock’ Stosch to float a new enterprise on the music exchange. However, in what is being touted as the criminal organisation’s biggest snub to date, the Lost My Head For Drink LP was actually recorded in 1996. Woozy magazine have stated, “This is Bloodloss’ compromise to their own split personality. The album could be described as a hark back to their halcyon days, because that’s when it was recorded. Good though.”

An end to the decades-long Bloodloss saga is yet to be realised. May God protect our savage, lonely souls.